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9月28日 Simple home remediesThanks Amy. 1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. In life, you only need two tools; WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should,use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape. Remember: * Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. * Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. * If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. King Konglish no. 407This one, from a chocolate milkshake carton, isn't that bad, it's really the last two lines that I like: You can taste delicious cocoa in fresh milk. It uses only excellent ingredients for a new generation who seeks for the best taste enjoyment. Good quality and great satisfaction guaranteed. A new type of modified milk-based product! Don't hesitate to buy. It will bring you happiness of drinking. 9月27日 Girlz rock.Yes, girlz rock. And I'm not just talking about girls like Katie or Lucy Liu, I'm talking about the 7 year-old girls in my class. When I try to teach them cool songs like Close to You by The Carpenters (yeah, I like that song, big whoop wanna fight about it?) they take to it like ducks to water. Compare that to the boys in my class, most of whom try to eat their song sheets or push it up the noses of the other boys. Except Jamie, he loves The Carpenters, but that's no surprise, he's the kid who wears the t-shirt saying "Queen of the California Beach." See for yourselves: 9月26日 As I looked out over the TaedonggangI got this article from Paul, who got it from a North Korean website. Unfortunately, I can't access the website - it's blocked in South Korea! Perhaps you'll have more luck; click here for the site, and scroll down to read all about it... One Sunday morning I was looking around the fasinatingUSS Pueblo 9月25日 Drinking soju kettles with the JFK of CanadaMy cousin Jimi C moved to Korea last week, to teach English at another SLP (God help his wit.) On Saturday I went to Itaewon to meet him, show him around, and help him locate things like phonecards and Gucci knock-offs. Unfortunately, the only time either of us left The Rocky Mountain Tavern (where we went for breakfast at 2pm) was to buy cigs and get more beer money. The people he works with seem pretty decent, at least they all make an effor to get along. (!) When I came back from the drinklink, they had moved to the deck and were playing Canadian Trivial Pursuit. That might not sound like much fun if you're not from Canada. Actually, that might not sound like much fun even if you are from Canada. Unless you're from Yellowknife, where nothing ever happens. But it was. The beer helped. Beating the team with the Canadian player helped. Let me give you a nickel's worth of free advice if you ever find yourself in a similar position. If it's a Geography question, answer Quebec. If it's a celebrity question, answer Celine Dion. Literature? The Shipping News. Politics? Pierre Trudeau. Who, I hear you ask? He's the JFK of Canada, apparently. After that we went to Polly's Kettle on Hooker Hill. Jimi C had been looking forward to soju all day. Now he'll look back in regret forever. Let's put it this way, after we graduated from Hooker Hill to Homo Hill, even the drunkest customers at Queen weren't making passes at Jimi, instead staring at him, obviously thinking he was some sort of entertainment supplied by the bar. I woke up the next morning with Jimbo in the bed beside me, and my birds flying wild around my living room. I couldn't figure out why, I'd locked them in their cage in the shower to keep them quiet. I found the cage, in bits, in the bathroom. When JC woke up, the conversation went thus: J: Where am I? Me: You're in my apartment. J: But where's that? Me: Gwangmyeong. J: Gwangmyeong? That sounds like some sort of Korean word. Me: It is. You're in Korea, remember? J (with a look of horror spreading across his face): Korea? Me: Did you let my birds out of the cage last night? J: What birds? Me: Right, no more soju for you son. J (starting to shudder): Soju? Uuuuuugghhhhh.... Friday Feast 112Appetizer Measured in minutes or hours, how much exercise have you had in the last week? Well, it takes me perhaps 10 minutes to walk to work, and for about 7 of those minutes I'm standing at the lights breathing in the delicious noxious fumes of Seoul traffic, so walking to work is doing me more harm than good. I've spent probably 200 minutes walking to and from work this week. But all that "exercise" is compromised by the seriously poor air quality. I'd be better off staying in bed. Soup If you had to change your blog title to something else, what would it be? Mein Kampf. Salad Name one television show you watched when you were 9-12 years old. Does this mean I can't name a show I watched when I was younger or older than that? Because I've watched Neighbours forever. I watched the A-Team and Knightrider when they were on, and again when they started the re-runs on cable when I was about 14. I watched Baywatch until it ended. I can't think of any shows that I watched only in that timeframe. I loved a show called "Hey Dude", which was on Nickelodeon until it went entirely cartoon. Main Course If someone gave you $50 to spend with the one condition that it had to be educational, what would you purchase? I suppose I should buy a guide to the Korean language, but that would be so boring. I'm more concerned about losing my Spanish, so perhaps a bunch of DVDs in Spanish. They can be educational, can't they?! Dessert Do you tend to prefer dark colors, neutral shades, or lighter/pastel hues? I like dark colours. I like greens and blues. Disorder in the CourtsI just received this from my cousin Caren. It's an oldie, but a goodie. Thanks love. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 9月21日 As annoying as a paper cutI'm sick. Not terribly sick, I've got a cold. However, the weather is such that having a cold is a major inconvenience. Outside, it's warm enough to only wear a t-shirt. Imagine only wearing a t-shirt when you have the cold. But then you get into an air-conditioned building, and it's so cold my nipples could cut glass at times. So, I find myself dressing down to go out and dressing up to go in. Sake. And now I'm trying to book flights to Vietnam for Christmas. If I was loaded, or American, I'd probably just use Expedia and be done with it. But I'm sure it's cheaper to use a travel agency hereabouts. Cheaper, certainly not easier. For one thing, I have to find a travel agency with English-speaking staff. Or else bother my Corean colleagues until then make calls for me. I've gone off the main foreigner-friendly travel agency in the city, mostly because they're not that friendly. Both of the travel agents I've asked have been unable to tell me how much it'll cost to fly to Vietnam in December. They say the airlines won't release the prices until November, but by that time all seats are sure to be sold. I find it hard to believe that hundreds of people are buying airline tickets without knowing the cost. They've advised me to reserve the seats, based on their estimated cost, then they'll tell me how much I owe come November. Great. Forget a box of chocolates...You've probably heard all these before, but there are a few that I particulary liked: * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Never buy a car you can't push. * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull, Some have weird names , and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box. * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 9月18日 Friday Feast 111Appetizer What was the very last song you listened to? Talk, by Coldplay. I've listened to it about 9 times this weekend. Why? Well, for one thing, it's a great song. And for another, the lyrics "Oh brother, I can't, I can't through, I've been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don't know what to do..." remind me of my younger brother, James. He's recently started using Bebo, and he leaves comments on my site in textspeak. No, it's not some Orwellian method of communication or control. Rather, it's the habit of people who use mobile phones a lot to omit vowels, unnecessary letters, and general good grammar from anything they write. I was once a textspeaker too. However, having not had to really use a mobile for the past 8 months (in fact, I'm sure I've spoken more Spanish in Korea than I have text), I can no longer read it without considerable effort. I actually have to read it out loud, to make sense of what he's saying! Bizarre, because when we're together we can communicate volumes just by looking at each other in a certain way (always handy when you're in a bar or work and surrounded by dickheads!) Soup What is one company/store/corporation you would recommend that people stay away from? I wouldn't. Salad On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy having your picture made? "Picture made"? I don't think I've heard that expression before. I guess it depends on the situation, but I rather enjoy having my picture made, because I'm so dashingly handsome of course. I'd say 8. Main Course Besides a bookmark, what is something you've used to keep your place in a book? I don't really use bookmarks, I certainly wouldn't buy one, I'd only use them if they were given to me. I like to use photos, or postcards, particularly if the person in the photo, or who sent the postcard, has also given or recommended the book. When I was reading The Moon and Sixpence by Somerset Maugham, which had been bought in Moscow and left for me by Paul, I used a postcard that he had sent from Sheffield, showing Ronald Reagan playing a ukulele. Both got strange looks on the subway. I never turn the corners of a page down. Dessert Name a food that you like that most people don't. I used to like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and no one else that I knew at the time did. Now, I don't like them. I actually can't think of anything, I can only think of things that other people don't like. (Paul: mushrooms. Rose: cinnamon.) Can you think of anything? 9月15日 I'm hungry...because there seems to be something wrong with Blogspot, and I can't get at this week's Friday Feast... Instead, I'm putting together a radio station for myself over on Pandora, and watching this plane land, from inside the cockpit, on You Tube... The Moon and Sixpence - W. Somerset MaughamI have an idea that some men are born out of their due place. Accident has cast them amid certain surroundings, but they have always a nostalgia for a home they know not. They are strangers in their birthplace, and the leafy lanes they have known from childhood or the populous streets in which they have played, remain but a place of passage. They may spend their whole lives aliens among their kindred and remain aloof among the only scenes they have ever known. Perhaps it is this sense of strangeness that sends men far and wide in the search for something permanent, to which they may attach themselves. Perhaps some deeprooted atavism urges the wanderer back to lands which his ancestors left in the dim beginnings of history. Sometimes a man hits upon a place to which he mysteriously feels that he belongs. Here is the home he sought, and he will settle amid scenes that he has never seen before, among men he has never known, as though they were familiar to him from his birth. Here at last he finds rest. Friday Feast 110Appetizer Name 3 things that you are wearing today. Glasses. (Really. I found out last night that I need reading glasses.) Rings. I haven't worn my rings in months, because it's been too hot and my hands feel really icky with them on. (I'm a kindergarden teacher, I can say "icky".) Now that the weather is getting cooler, they feel fine. Sandals. I've been wearing sandals since about April. I love wearing sandals. I don't like wearing socks and shoes. I'm not looking foward to having to return to socks and shoes later in the year. Soup Who was the last person you hugged? Paul, my best friend, just before he boarded the airport bus last Friday. Salad What do you like to order from your favorite fast food place? Over here I really don't eat fast food at all. I think I've been to Burger King in Korea 3 times (only 2 of them by choice!). I haven' t been to McDonald's yet. If I had my choice here, I'd go to KFC, but I've no idea what they call their chicken burgers. I doubt you can even go into a KFC and ask for a "chicken burger". Back home there's a chippy called Raffo's (on the Andersontown Rd.) that does a great chicken fillet burger and garlic fries. Also, Friar Tuck's (in Newry and Banbridge) for the same. Or, Aldo's (at the corner of the Donegall and Falls Rd.) for a fish supper. Again though, I would eat that stuff rarely. Main Course What time of day do you usually feel most energized? I seldom feel energized! Sometimes I bounce out of bed and into the shower and I'm ready to go. At other times I have to take a walk into the back of beyond (read: down the hill in Gwangmyeong) because I'm not tired at all and need something to do. I honestly can't say if I'm a morning or a night person. Dessert Using the letters in your first name, write a sentence. (Example: Sweet unusual spaniels are nice.) I'm afraid I'm gonna have to use my name as it appears on my passport: Boys rarely ever attempt Nirvana, Dukkha always negotiates. 9月7日 When I look back on all the crap I looked in high school, it's a wonder I can think at all...One of my English teachers (who shall rename nameless, names must either be changed or omitted to protect the idiots) used to distribute passages from James Joyce's Dubliners, and quote from Thus Spoke Zarathustra, by Friedrich Nietzche, rather than actually covering things like Hamlet, or any of the other material on our course. In an effort to give them the benefit of the doubt, I tried to believe they were educating us, rather than just preparing us for an exam. However, having since read Dubliners, free from the shackles of school and A' levels, and having discovered that it's rubbish, I'm convinced said teacher was just an idiot. A major Waffler, rather than a true Teacher.
Now Jodi is reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra, and when she quoted the following to me I decided it too was something I should read. I doubt it's gonna change my opinion of the Waffler though! "Thus spoke the Devil to me once: 'Even God has his Hell: it is his love for man.'" "And they knew no other way of loving their God than by nailing men to the Cross." 9月6日 Do Embassies have a diplomatic mission to mess with travellers?I've been researching the visa requirements for entering Vietnam. I know I need a visa, and I'd like to get a multiple entry visa, but according to various websites, these don't exist, or they do exist but are only valid for a month, or are valid for 3 months but you have to leave and enter the country a few times....blah blah blah. The Vietnamese Embassy in London doesn't even show the cost of applying for a visa through them (it does tell you that you'll need to add an extra 5GBP if you want your application rushed. If you want to know how much it all costs, you have to call them. Do you think they answer their phone?!) Also, if you want them to send your passport back to you, you have to include a stamped-addressed-envelope. How can you do that if you're applying from the Republic of Ireland?! Don't believe me? See for yourself: http://www.vietnamembassy.org.uk/consular.html (The title for this post was originally "Do Embassies have a diplomatic mission to piss travellers off?" but I couldn't publish because it contained "language that is prohibitted." That pisses me off.) King Konglish #403From another notebook that one of the kids had: Making Pang: Finding Shadow come in again wendy home peterfan. brandish hook always, went get peterfan captain hook. 9月4日 Competition for the most unusual postcard...I get some pretty strange mail every now and then. Most of it comes from Paul, to the point where my parents don't even question any of it anymore, they know it's from him, that's explanation enough. Coming to Korea hasn't stopped the flow. Most recently, I received a postcard from Helsinki showing a group of naked Finnish men in a sauna. This didn't surprise me in the slightest. However, today's mail brought something unexpected - a postcard with a picture of an Israeli fighter jet on it. Because the card was from my friend Anne, it made me smile. But because it was of an Israeli fighter, that was no doubt used to bomb the living daylights out of some dustball in Lebanon, it kinda took the shine off. I think I'd rather have the naked Finns. (So would Paul, I wager.) |
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